Sunday, December 25, 2005
Santa Slips Into Iraq Unannounced
At the controls of the earliest airframe featuring stealth technology
Myself and Lieutenant Colonel Craig Covert USMCR (Field Historian)
Myself and retired Sergeant Major Christopher Kringle USMC
Santa Claus slipped secretly into Iraq today to spend time with the Marines at Camp Fallujah, most of whom he happily reported fell into the "nice" category this year. Claus, a former Marine Sergeant Major, remarked that standing in a chow line with jarheads again was his special present to himself. He explained, somewhat apologetically, that his current civilian career required long hair, a beard, and a extra 200 pounds. He assured the gathered Marines that in his day he always wore a high and tight haircut, and consistently scored a first class on the physical fitness test. When asked whether his secret unannounced arrival was any indication that the war was going badly, as the main stream press had alluded to regarding both the Vice President Cheney and Secretary Rumsfeld visits, the jolly old elf simply stated that coming and going covertly has always been his trademark. He hinted that much of the financing behind his gift giving outreach comes from royalties from patents he holds in stealth technology. He ended his remarks by saying, based on his own think tank's exhaustive research, that the balance of naughtiness and niceness has definitely swung towards niceness in Iraq, and that any reports to the contrary can be laid directly at the feet of the Easter Bunny, who he feels is positioning itself for bigger things. Standing beneath a ceiling decorated with red and green bunting, and dozens of Merry Christmas and Happy Hanukkah banners, he then asked for a moment of silence to remember the folks back home, especially in the Northeast states and California, who were celebrating the holidays under a cloud of political correctness. The folks from the food service contractor, Dauod and Partners, were nice enough to have provided a cozy hearth for Santa's entry and departure, leading some to suspect that perhaps Saint Nick may have too cozy a relationship with the overall civilian contractor, Halliburton. Mr. Kringle declined to comment on this line of speculation. Along with Santa's festive presence there was a life size statue of a Madonna and Child fashioned from shortening next to the blazing Christmas sock festooned fireplace. It should be noted that among the many dangers faced by the GIs here in Iraq, the Christmas Holiday Season "cultural cleansing" campaign being waged back stateside is not one of them. Here in liberated Iraq the many military, federal and civilian contract employees could be heard wishing each other hearty Merry Christmases without fear of the counter-Christmas insurgency. Santa's helpers, decked out in red, seemed to all have thick Hindi accents. He declined to answer any inquiries on whether he was actively outsourcing to the Indian sub-continent.